A Place to Process

Is this even still my blog? I’m not sure how long it has been since I last decided to ramble in cyberspace. I’m sure at least half of those links over there in the blogroll would take you to a notification that “this page no longer exists”.

Anyways … as I write this time, things are a little different. I no longer have two cute little baby feet making me uncomfortable from the inside. No, those have been replaced by four baby feet running around me, turning my mind to mush. Oh, and my ideals are … I guess you could say “crumbling” around me.

I’m stuck in a really uncomfortable spot, where my mushy baby brain likes to think all of the time about these crazy thoughts God is putting inside of my head. I’m no longer pulled into throwing my time into the black hole of Pinterest (although there are some recipes I really do try, and a few pins that my kids enjoy). I no longer look at this life of comfort I have created for myself (from the gifts the God has given me to use) and think “yeah, this is what following Jesus in America looks like”, simply because our family is looking after orphans by starting the adoption process and sponsoring a few girls in poverty-stricken countries. What on earth am I doing with the time God has given me?! If I am honest with myself, I am squandering it along with the resources God has given me. Though my husband and I dream of opening our home to a handful of orphans in the future, I can’t help but think “is that really following the Jesus of the Bible”? 

And sure, there is the church plant. We are helping to plant a church in our city, which has had it’s challenges … but anything with value does. We are calling the plant “The Bride”, and I think that just maybe, because of the name we chose, God has been deconstructing and is now reconstructing how we follow Him.

He has used a couple books, and a lot of scripture to do this demolition. The most recent of books is 7:an experimental mutiny against excess by Jen Hatmaker. This book has really been pressing in what God had been laying on my heart months ago. We I spend, spend, spend without even thinking. I am in a very similar spot that she seemed to be in while writing the book. In the introduction she says:

“It’s time to admit I’m trapped in the machine, held by my own selfishness. It’s time to face our spending and call it what it is: a travesty. I’m weary of justifying it. … I’m ready to adopt Jesus’ version of rich, blessed, and generous.

And so, I’m starting the experiment myself. Time to see where I carelessly throw our money. Time to see where our resources can go to help the poor and needy in our community and across the globe.  Time to advance the kingdom by humbling myself, and only using what God has given to take care of our needs. Time to stop believing the lie that I am really following the path of Christ, when I don’t sacrifice much any comfort to take care of the marginalized.

Oh God, forgive me for squandering your precious resources. Am I not given to give away? I know I have so far to go, and so much to learn, but thanks be to the Spirit for always working to bring us to completion at the day of Jesus Christ!

Change

Change.

Sometimes it sweeps in like a rushing wind, or an awesome avalanche cascading to the depths of a mountain.  However, at times, it slowly comes to bear like a puddle being formed by a steady drip of a forgotten faucet.                                                      

At times it’s scary.  Is change ever not scary?

Throughout the day my sinful heart avoids, often pushes back, at this change.  So, what is it?  Why is this change so important, so distasteful to the one who seeks to kill and destroy?

Because it helps me to find JOY.  Joy in the one my heart was made to love.  Joy in God.

My typical day presents hundreds or moments where I can either find stress, or discouragement, or pain, or loneliness, or anger, or, or, or …. or Joy.  I have a bent towards negativity.  Towards not seeing grace.  Towards ungratefulness.  But God has begun to change me, by the renewing of my mind.  Oh, it’s true, Ann Voskamp, that thankfulness, eucharisteo, cannot coexist with a bitter spirit .. with discontentment. How i’ve tried! 

But when I am driving to Walmart at 9pm, because my cat decided she didn’t like her new litter, and there is a glare from the emptiness of the litter tub … when God paints two bright twin rainbows and puts them in my going path, and then makes the sky dance with a pink parade in the clouds in my coming path … it’s then that I give thanks and find joy. Yes, joy in his gifts of grace, but in so much more than that!  I find joy in HIM. Because He is gracious. Because He loves me.  Because He is good, and He is working in everything to keep His promise that He will conform me, change me, until I look like Jesus. 

So, like that steady faucet, the change comes.  And drips joy into my everyday.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     46)  A cereal covered smile                                                                

47) Sun warmed skin      

48) Encouragement from my husband      

49) Sugar sculpted creations by my Chef  

50) Fresh lavender scent pouring from the washroom  

51) Cleaned and cleared shower and sink traps  

52) A tender bumped head resting, comforted, on my chest

One Thousand Gifts … Not Gifts I Want, But Gifts I Have


I’ve been inspired.

Through the blog of my friend Alyssa, I sovereignly “stumbled” upon another blog of a woman name Ann Voskamp, and a new journey upon which I am about to embark.

On her blog, Ann has been listing gifts from God that she sees in her life.
She states:

” I am one waking from slumber … from the stupor of indifference and ignorance. Too often I miss Him, oblivious, blind. I don’t see all the good things that He is giving me, gracing me with, brushing my life with.”

I am one who can completely relate. In a culture where I have so much.. too much, I miss so much. Regretfully my eyes are so clouded by self that the grace of God goes unnoticed hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.

And so, this is the start of an effort to refocus my vision and to give thanks for the evidences of grace that are currently being missed.
Psalm 118:28
“You are my God, and I will give thanks to you..”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1) A comfy hotel room to rest in while my husband is at work.

2) The jolting of my laptop brought about by kicks coming from inside my tummy.

3) The new pink journal that awaits the listing of many more gifts.

4) The heat that is keeping me warm as it rains outside.

5) An ultrasound picture that shows my little guys’ face, and represents the comforting news that he was okay.

I’ve Returned

And so, I’m back.

Life is very different than it was at the time of my last post.
I am sitting here trying to balance my laptop as my son kicks from inside my tummy occasionally jolting it from its position.

I don’t exactly know why I’m back. Maybe for myself. Possibly for you.
Either way … here I am.

Clayton’s Story

This post is in Memory of Clayton McDonald who went home to be with the Lord on March 16, 2009.
I was able to hear Clayton speak at Cornerstone .. and he truly understood how not to waste his life. Amazing.

Trip Lee “Satisfaction (Hedonist)”

Jesus is Alive!

I had the great privilege of sharing Good Friday with Shai Linne. It was incredibly soul feeding, and I was so stoked to have the gospel presented to me through this gifted guy. You should check more of his stuff out. I will post more songs in the coming days.
But today … rejoice that Jesus is Alive!

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